As a therapist who works closely with teens and families, one of the most common questions I hear from parents is:
“How do I talk to my teen about therapy without making them shut down or get defensive?”
It’s a tough spot to be in. You see your child struggling, maybe they’re anxious, irritable, withdrawn, overwhelmed. You want to help. You suggest therapy, and… they shut down. Or roll their eyes. Or say something like, “I’m not crazy!” If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong. Let’s talk about why this happens and how to approach the conversation in a way that builds trust, not resistance.
Why Do Teens Push Back on Therapy?
First, let’s normalize the pushback. Teens are in a developmental stage where autonomy is everything. They’re figuring out who they are, where they fit, and how much control they have over their world. Being “sent to therapy” can feel like one more thing they don’t get to choose. And let’s be honest, therapy still carries stigma, especially among teens. They might think it means they’re broken, messed up, or “too much.” Or maybe they had a negative experience in the past that left them skeptical. None of this means they don’t need help. It just means they need the idea of therapy presented in a way that feels safe, respectful, and empowering.
“But Will You Tell My Parents?”
One of the biggest fears teens have (that they often won’t say out loud) is:
“Is this really private? Or are they going to report everything back to my parents?”
Even if they know you love them, many teens worry that what they say in therapy could be shared without their permission. This fear alone can keep them from opening up or even agreeing to go in the first place. And truthfully, it’s not an irrational fear. They’ve probably experienced adults saying one thing and doing another. They may have already had the experience of someone breaking their trust.
What you can do:
- Reassure them that therapists have clear rules about privacy and that you won’t be getting a play-by-play of everything they share.
- Let them know that therapy is their space to be honest without fear of “getting in trouble.”
- Tell them that if you’re ever brought into the loop, it’ll either be about safety, or it will be
something they’ve agreed to share with you.
Try saying:
“I won’t be asking your therapist for updates. That’s your space. If something ever really concerning comes up, like safety issues, I trust the therapist to handle it the right way and you and I could talk about it together.”
Giving your teen this kind of reassurance goes a long way in building trust and helping them actually engage once they get in the door.
How to Start the Conversation (Without Making It Awkward)
Timing matters. So does tone. Try bringing it up during a low-pressure moment while driving, cooking, walking the dog. Avoid doing it mid-conflict or when emotions are already running high. Here are a few phrases you might try:
- “I’ve noticed you’ve been carrying a lot lately. I wonder if talking to someone might help lighten the load a little.”
- “You don’t have to figure everything out on your own. A therapist could be a space just for you, no pressure, no fixing, just support.”
- “You don’t have to talk about anything you’re not ready for. You’d be in control of what happens there.”
You’re not offering therapy as a punishment or a last resort, you’re offering it as a gift of support.
What Not to Say (Even If You’re Frustrated)
Sometimes our own fear, stress, or desperation can sneak into our words. Here are a few phrases that tend to shut teens down:
- “You need help.”
- “I already scheduled it, you’re going.”
- “Why are you being so dramatic?”
- “This is exactly why we need therapy.”
Even if your intention is loving, they can feel blaming, controlling, or shaming. Instead, focus on curiosity, compassion, and collaboration.
Let Them Take the Lead (As Much As Possible)
Teens are much more likely to engage in therapy when they feel like it’s their decision, even if you planted the seed. You might:
- Show them two or three therapist options and let them choose who feels like the best fit
- Let them read the therapist’s bio, watch a short intro video, or scroll through their social
media if they have a professional page - Offer a brief consultation as a no-pressure way to “try it out”
The more you can make therapy feel like something they own, the better.
And If They Still Say No…
That’s okay. Sometimes “no” just means not right now. The goal isn’t to win them over in one conversation. The goal is to keep the door open. You can say:
- “Thanks for being honest with me. If you ever change your mind, I’ll help you take that step.”
- “I trust that you’ll let me know if you want support, even if it’s not today.”
When your teen sees that you’re not pushing an agenda, but that you care deeply, they’re more likely to soften over time.
A Note from Me
I’ve worked with so many teens who were totally shut down about therapy at first. Some told their parents “no way” for months. Some rolled their eyes through the entire first session. And you know what? Almost all of them ended up opening up. Because when they feel respected, seen, and safe, something shifts. So if your teen is hesitant, don’t panic. Stay steady. Stay kind. And trust that you’re planting seeds that can grow.
by Alexis Leechford, LMSW