In 12-step programs there is a lot of talk this time of year about the “Bermuda Triangle”- Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. The Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, holds a mystical legend of people getting lost and disappearing. The triad of holidays can makes people feel lost and/or maybe want to disappear.
Returning to old family homes and/or re-engaging large or small family gatherings can be highly triggering. As therapists we often work with clients who anticipate these gatherings with marked anxiety, dread, and/or confusion. So many people enter the holidays not as “the most wonderful time of the year” but with agitation, exhaustion and angst. Upon returning from these shared family times, we hear clients share statements like: “It’s like I was five years old again.” Or, “I haven’t felt like that in- well since the last time I was in that house.” Or, “Seeing my Uncle Dan again made me shutdown. I could barely find my words.” For so many of us, walking into these situations is like walking into an emotional regression time machine. Some of us wonder, “Have I really worked on my family of origin issues? It sure doesn’t feel like it!”
The reality is that family holidays are a gathering of social creatures with nervous systems that attune to each other- for better or for worse. If just one person walks through the door dysregulated while everyone else is already in some stage of regression- (at best) feeling like an elementary school aged child, it is no wonder emotional chaos ensues. It’s not rocket science that so many people start drinking early and keep the drinks flowing. Or, find themselves consuming large quantities of sugar and carbohydrates. Or, mindlessly sitting in front of football games as they drown out the noise around them. Self medication for the inner dysregulation they are feeling on the inside.
Author Elizabeth Gilbert was interviewed recently by Tim Ferriss on his podcast The Tim Ferriss Show. And, she talked about “cherished outcomes.” She spoke openly about recognizing her own tendency to have expectations for certain events and situations. Most of the time, we don’t even realize we have these expectations until they aren’t met and we’re filled with disappointment. Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years are not only chalked full of our cherished outcomes, they are also filled with everyone else’s. It can be a nightmare being in a room with multiple people simultaneously feeling their cherished outcomes go up in flames- someone didn’t show up, the turkey overcooked, Uncle Ray got drunk, Aunt Mary ran her judgmental mouth, the baby threw up all over the dinner table, dad didn’t say a word to anyone. There are a million ways the unconscious hope, the ideal picture just doesn’t play out leaving some family members upset, disappointed, angry, drunk, and/or dysregulated.
EMDR therapy can both reprocess old memories that are likely triggered during the Bermuda Triangle holidays and help clients discover new boundaries that can prevent so much regression and dysregulation. Some clients find it a true wonder to actually be able to enjoy the holidays in ways that are life-giving and fun. Though it won’t happen with the snap of your fingers, the EMDR journey can set you on a course of no longer getting lost or disappearing in your own life during the holidays or any other time of year.