So many of us have been taught—quietly, subtly, and sometimes outright, that the highest compliment we can earn is to be good.
Good daughter. Good partner. Good employee. Good mother.
Good = quiet, easy, accommodating, likable.
Elise Loehnen, in her powerful book “On Our Best Behavior,” explores how deeply these inherited rules shape our lives. She names the ways women especially have been conditioned to follow unspoken codes of goodness—codes rooted in centuries of moral and cultural expectations. The result? Many of us move through the world trying to keep the peace, stay likable, or not take up “too much” space.
But here’s the truth: being good often comes at a cost.
The price of goodness can be invisibility, self-abandonment, or exhaustion.
Being Good vs. Being Whole
There’s a big difference between the two. Goodness can win praise. Wholeness creates freedom. As you read the compasion lists below, be curious, notice what is coming up for you, both in your mind and your body.
Being good:
- Looks to others for approval
- Follows inherited rules without questioning them
- Feels safe, but often suffocating
- Polished on the outside, depleted on the inside
Being Whole:
- Lives from truth and alignment
- Makes space for the messy, authentic self
- Risks disappointment to stay honest
- Feels courageous, alive, and free
Everyday Stories of “Good”
The employee who always says yes.
She’s dependable, admired, and constantly praised for being a team player. But inside, she’s exhausted, stretched too thin, and quietly resentful. The cost of being “good” at work is burnout.
The mom who doesn’t share her struggles.
She believes a “good mother” has endless patience, never needs a break, and always puts her kids first. When she feels overwhelmed or depleted, she swallows it down, afraid of being seen as selfish. The cost of being “good” in motherhood is isolation.
The friend who never speaks up.
She keeps the peace, avoids conflict, and makes herself “easy to be around.” But her opinions, desires, and boundaries stay hidden. The cost of being “good” in relationships is invisibility. These examples aren’t about weakness—they show survival strategies. Many of us learned early that being “good” kept us safe.
Why This Matters in Healing
In therapy, we honor the ways being “good” once protected you. Staying quiet, pleasing, or agreeable often helped you survive difficult environments. But what once kept you safe may now keep you stuck. Healing often means loosening our grip on goodness, and slowly allowing ourselves to live whole. That doesn’t mean becoming reckless or unkind. It means becoming authentic. It means no longer abandoning yourself to keep everyone else comfortable.
At Creekside Counseling & Wellness, we believe healing is about moving from good to whole. Therapy can be a space to unlearn the old rules, reconnect with your truth, and step into a fuller, freer version of yourself.
Our upcoming therapeutic wellness group, Unedited: Reclaiming Yourself in Relationships, is designed with this very shift in mind. Together, we’ll explore what it means to release the weight of “goodness,” rewrite outdated rules, and practice showing up whole—messy, authentic, and aligned. Instead of editing ourselves to fit expectations, we’ll focus on reclaiming our authentic selves and giving voice to the parts of us that have been silenced.
If you’ve ever felt the pressure to keep the peace, stay small, or be endlessly accommodating in key relationships, Unedited offers a supportive space to loosen those grips and begin living from a truer place.
Reflection Prompts
- Where in my life am I still choosing “good” over “whole”?
- What has being too good cost me in my body, my relationships, or my sense of self?
- What would shift if I chose wholeness instead of goodness today?